w.a.i.t.

Like a monkey swinging vine-to-vine, we move through a forest of life’s stages and hopes and dreams, j-u-s-t releasing one as we take hold of the next.

The LORD has been thinning the forest and vines ever-so-gradually over the last years. I’ve had more things to release and surrender, but fewer and fewer to reach for, to grasp and hold on to.

Then last night, I let go of the single remaining dream I harbored for this life. I’ve been nurturing and praying and waiting for years. It was taken away and now it’s done.

I feel like I’m sitting very still on a little grassy knoll. This is very unfamiliar to me; is it human nature to always be working toward something, planning and readjusting and figuring how to achieve it? I have none of that, now. There are good things happening around me that make me happy, but nothing is “mine.” How strange to have not one dream or goal or thing I’m hoping for.

Am I deceiving myself, just sitting out, letting the last “best years” of my life slip away? Or perhaps, am I now in a place where I can be useful somehow to the LORD? He’s very quiet. I really don’t know.

I can only wait.

 

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Sacrifice Unseen

This reflection from today’s Give Us This Day magazine brought me to tears. It seemed a direct and personal Word of comfort and guidance for me from the LORD:

“The Lord addresses His mother in the hour that, for her, is the hardest. She is not unprepared for this hour, but the hour does not therefore weigh any less heavily upon her. For it is now that she gives her beloved Son back to God. She does this in darkness …

“A sacrifice that is performed in full view would not be a Christian sacrifice. If a man renounces some lower good for the sake of some higher one that he knows and has in view, then that is no sacrifice but only a choice between two goods, one of which appears more important than the other.

“But if he renounces some good that he loves in order that God might receive what he desires, then that implies a true sacrifice, because he does not know what form God will give to that which he offers him. The sacrifice lies in surrendering the ability to hold this in view.”

Adrienne von Speyr, The Birth of the Church

It gives me much to ponder.

 

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A Moment

It’s been two months since our trip to Portland and the wedding. I wrote description to my friend after we got back:

I had a moment one day when we were walking downtown – all the kids were quite a ways ahead and I was hanging back with Julie (my sister-in-law) who couldn’t keep up. As I watched the kids ahead, I had an overwhelming feeling of being blessed – like a pitcher of water being poured over my head filled with blessings, overflowing.

Suddenly, like a switch, as the kids got further ahead of us and further away, I felt overwhelming sorrow at my loss of them. It’s a little hard to explain but God has gently been removing them from my life for quite a few years now and I’ve learned to surrender them to Him.

But in that moment, I realized He’s not done yet and I have to let go even more. It makes me so sad but Jesus, I trust in You.

I’m still pondering that experience and what it might mean. I don’t suppose I’ll really know until everything unfolds in due time.

But Jesus, I do trust in You. Lord, help my unbelief.

 

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Walk With Me

I’ve been in a great struggle. What I want is at great odds with what my husband wants and I feel angry, discouraged, resentful.

And when I pray, God tells me, “Walk with me.”

What does that mean? Does that mean I just give in? Truly and honestly, It isn’t fair.

“Walk with me.”

But I have dreams too, and these are mine. Why do I have to be the one to give up my dreams?

“Walk with me.”

I’ve searched myself with brutal honesty. I can truthfully say that the root of my dreams truly is to be closer to God, to be in a position to grow in my relationship with Him. I want to be nearer my church, my church family; I want to purposefully create a worship space.

I know what I want isn’t “wrong;” what I desire is “good.” And yet … and yet it clearly isn’t God’s will for me right now. I don’t know why; I don’t understand. But I hear Him, and I trust Him.

“Walk with me.”

Speak, Lord, your servant is listening. Yes, I will walk with you. Yes, I will surrender my own dreams. Yes, I trust that you have purpose in this. Yes, I will work to overcome my tangled feelings about all of this, and toward my husband.

Please grant me your strength, your wisdom, your grace. Help me keep my eyes on you.

Teach me how to walk.

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Back in Balance

I think there are many reasons why God may allow or bring a trial into our lives.

Sometimes it is to break us … to bring us to a point where we can no longer deny our need for Him. It causes us to cry out, reach out, to seek.

Sometimes it is part of the Holy Spirit’s continued work within us, making us holy.

I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)

I think these types of trials transform us, helping us to really become patient or forgiving; teaching us how to surrender, or trust, or to be still.

And sometimes, I think trials are an opportunity for us to see our growth – to take stock and see where we have been and areas we may need to work on with Him.

Last week was a week of trials that normally would have caused me great anxiety. Driving home from work on Tuesday, my car completely died.

It wasn’t a dream car, but it was less than 10 years old, it had less than 100,000 miles on it, and it had some nice features like a sunroof and a cd player. And most of all, it had been paid off for over 2 years. No car payments make life so much easier!

But even without consciously making an effort, I felt calm and very grateful, counting my blessings. It would have been much worse if it had broken down just two days earlier when I was traveling three hours away. Mark and Mitch might have both been away, leaving me nobody to call for a ride home. And while I don’t look forward to monthly car payments again, I can afford them and won’t have to struggle to pay for other important things like groceries or medicines.

So in many ways, this “trial” simply revealed the many blessings God has poured out on me. That’s a big change for me. By nature I am a worrier, and spent much of my younger adulthood fearful – afraid of many things, not at peace and not in joy.

But now, in spite of struggles with depression and trials of life, I can honestly say I am at peace in the depth of my being; I know joy in God even during trials.

I get knocked off-balance at times, more easily than I’d like and I wouldn’t boast that my faith will never be shaken … I think of Peter saying he would never deny Jesus. But I’ve come a long way and I know He will never leave me alone on this journey home.

I am back in balance; I am grateful for my trials and what they reveal.

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thess 5:16-18 )

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Open

A long time ago, a friend shared a sermon she’d heard.  She said that we should imagine ourselves with our arms stretched out in front of us, palms-up and hands open.  When we are in that posture, we don’t hold on to anything … we are open. 

From that posture, God can give to us what He wills … trials or blessings. Likewise, He can take from us what He wills … pain and sorrow, or He may ask us to surrender something to Him that we find precious.  

I love that. I am a visual person, and kneeling in prayer I have literally done that – stretched my arms out, palms-up and hands open – surrendering to God my hopes and dreams and burdens and fears. I’ve reached for blessings and comfort, and have returned to Him the children He so deeply blessed me with.

As Job asked, how can I receive blessings and refuse trials?

 In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

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Rationalizing

21 A sinful man will flee reproof,
and will find an excuse according to his will.(Sirach 32)

Is there a more true statement? That is human nature in a nutshell.

I mean, look at my friend … a Christian who rationalizes her same-sex marriage.

And look at my mom … a Catholic who rationalized that it really was “ok” to divorce my dad.

And look at another friend who flatly refuses to even attempt to offer forgiveness to the drunk driver who killed her parents. Can you believe that?!!

AND … look at … look at … well, look at ME.

It’s sure easy to see other people rationalize the things they struggle with; it’s easy to judge them. But somehow it’s more difficult to see the rationalizing I do myself and recognize how I may be walking in complete denial.  Suddenly God’s ways don’t apply to me; I am an exception.

If I am stiff necked and want to follow my own path, God will allow me. One of the ways I am able to deceive myself is to look at others instead of myself. It seems doing that compounds my own sin; I begin to judge them, I become prideful.

Not so long ago I was doing just that; I was holding tight to what “I” wanted, what “I” deserved. My pity party was an amazing thing; “nobody” could understand. And besides, other people behaved worse and still got along ok in life.

How easy it is to deceive ourselves; to rationalize our sinful behavior; to give ourselves over to our own desires.

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts (Psalm 139:23)

Please dear LORD, protect me from deceiving myself. Search my heart and mind and show me … help me to see … and then guide me back to your path, your ways. Please give me a heart of gratitude, and of surrender to you. In Jesus’ name I pray.

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One Word

In January, as I was driving across Iowa one weekend after a visit with my mom, I was listening to K-Love radio. They were talking about a NC pastor who encouraged his congregation to pray about “one word” that would have meaning for them in the coming year.

It was really interesting to hear the different words people were given: redeemed … present … grow … do … attitude … dream …

I thought about the way the LORD has spoken to my heart over the past few years. “Wait and watch;” “Be still;” “Focus, pray.”

Those are very revealing, as I look at them again. I have had a long stretch of walking through the valley with Him, spiritually struggling with depression and surrender. He has been oh, so gentle and kind and patient, walking with me and leading me even when I am stiff-necked and quarrelsome.

Finally over the last year I’ve felt like I’ve been emerging from that dark spiritual struggle, and He has been rebuilding me. God has been leading me deeper into a prayer life, teaching me more and more and more. It’s been wonderful!

So as I drove and listened to the radio, I asked God what my “one word” would be for 2011.

I was surprised and delighted with the reply … “Dance!”

I love that … moving forward, joyfully, in the new steps He has so patiently taught me. God is so good!

 



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