As I try to sort through this jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings, I’m struck by how connected two opposites are: my greatest blessings are also my greatest struggles.
I truly, honestly know how deeply and greatly blessed I am. I feel deep gratitude to God for the blessings He has poured out on me from the moment of my creation. And my greatest blessings are my children – they are healthy, beautiful, wonderful young adults finding their way in this troubled world with their own style. Individually they are each unique and kind and make me proud; collectively they are my very heart – I love and enjoy being with them more than any other people on earth.
My biggest struggle is about them … but also not about them. It’s about them in that for several years now God has steadily been taking them away from me.
It’s not about them in that the deep sorrow I feel about this fact is between God and me.
For sure, it has turned me more fully toward God; our relationship has grown; He has increased my faith and my trust in Him; He has drawn me ever closer. Enormous blessing.
At the same time, I miss my kids. I am so sad that we once were very close but no longer are. I struggle with the fact that the last time I saw two of them was 1-1/2 years ago; the next time I see them will easily be another 1-1/2 years, and more likely 2 years or more.
I feel great loss and sadness about it and I feel very alone; there is nobody I can express my feelings to. I can’t tell my kids – who wants a guilt trip? And I can’t discuss it with my husband; as my eyes well up with tears again he looks away, uncomfortable. He’s not being unkind or mean, he just doesn’t get it, really. He loves them and is proud of them and tells others about them, but he’s ok with seeing them “whenever.”
And so I’ll return to my home after a lightening-fast visit; I’ll settle back into a routine of work and living in my own little corner of the world; I’ll watch as friends and co-workers celebrate holidays and birthdays and frequents visits with their kids and grandkids; and I’ll struggle with this strange mix of being happy for them and feeling envy and knowing I’m blessed and feeling great longing for my own kids and fighting to stop wallowing in self-pity.
And I’ll continue to ponder the mysteries of His ways and trust Him even in my emptiness.
Jesus, I trust in You.
Rejoice Always! Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Coffee with God 