My last post was only two days ago and since then I have been feeling very burdened and sad, wrestling with many things about my marriage, examining my motives, my expectations, wondering why God is so quiet and not showing me how to move forward.
On this Holy Thursday morning I left for my hour of Adoration, still very much struggling with the angel as Jacob did. I took with me two books that have helped me grow deeper in my prayer life with God: In Sinu Jesu and The Cloud of Unknowing (I read this many years ago and am re-reading it now).
And as I read … clarity. Light. Even … Eureka!
In a very Godlike WOW!-way, some big things fell into place for me, finally making sense and also comforting me that I’m not so lost and confused as I sometimes think I am.
I want very much to record them, to have them available to reflect upon when I need encouragement and that’s what this post attempts to do. And yet … spiritual things are not easily recorded in ways that make sense.
But I came to understand today that “contemplative prayer” is not simply a form or type of prayer (although in a way it is.) More than that, it is a lifestyle – a way of living. Long ago I realized that to “pray without ceasing” didn’t mean walking around reciting The Lord’s Prayer or Hail Mary, but a way of turning to Him throughout the day, speaking with Him, seeking to give Him my entire day as opposed to a set time in praying.
This is a continuation and expanding of that understanding. When the books I’m reading talk about “distractions in prayer” they aren’t only talking about the thoughts that pop up in our head as we try to focus on praying. They are, in fact, the very things in life that grab our attention and take our eyes and minds and hearts away from God. These can even be “good things!”
The dream that was smashed two days ago was a good dream, with good intentions of how it could help me be closer to a church and more active with my church family – maybe even help launch Adoration at the new church. I’ve examined my motives on that over and over and they are GOOD intentions. But they are not God’s intentions for me, now. Therefore they are distractions – things I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about and hoping for, but they aren’t God’s will.
Giving them up was so hard – IS so hard! And this too, according to In Sinu Jesus, is a very real suffering. I’ve always thought of “suffering” as something enormous, like Jesus experienced on the cross or the death of a loved one. But it is not always so. According to the book it can be the daily failures, fatigue, disappointments, sorrows, and humiliations of life – of our inability to do the good things we hope to accomplish.
But when we accept these distractions and sufferings and unite them with LOVE – when we receive and accept them gratefully as God’s will and gift to us – then we are living a contemplative life in greater unity with Christ.
I can see how the surrender of my dream and the accompanying frustration, anger, sadness and disappointment has been a good thing for me! Because of them I walked into Adoration at 7:30 a.m. filled with sadness, disappointment and distressed about so many things. At 9 a.m. I left filled with joy and gratitude and feeling flooded with light and love.
Rarely is my time in Adoration so dramatic but I do know God is constantly working within me, creating and transforming and I’m so very blessed when pieces fall into place and make sense to my scattered and finite little mind. I love the Eureka! moments not only because they are awesome in themselves, but also because they help carry me deeper toward Him and help sustain me when a new distraction, trial or suffering surfaces.
I’m in awe. What a joy-filled Holy Thursday for me. I hope and pray it is also for anyone who happens to read this post.
Coffee with God 